The first 24 hours of the Labour conference are a haze. Oh that’s Bridget Phillipson, oh and Mary Bousted. Here’s Natalie Perera. And that woman presents something on TV. Oooo there’s Andrew Marr, you definitely know who he is. There’s Stephen Morgan and, wow, there’s Ed Dorrell, quite a big name on edu-twitter I think. Wait. You work with Ed Dorrell. You see him every day – get it together, Reza.
Right, time for some fringes. What are fringes? Why are they called fringes? Should I have done my hair differently to attend? Obviously not, Reza. Focus on the things that matter.
You’re in. Some interesting discussions to be fair. You’ve heard Bridget Phillipson, Stephen Morgan and Toby Perkins now – all very assured, very calm. It’s almost like they’re already in post, behaving more ministerially than some of their opposite numbers, if we’re honest.
Some colleagues have managed to get some interesting people to talk to you at the Pullman Bar. You don’t know who they are, though. Can’t say anything too controversial then; they could take it the wrong way. Just nod. You don’t want to end up like the poor soul who just looked Sarah Jones, MP square in the eye and told her he was struggling to remember who Croydon’s MP is.
48 hours have passed. This isn’t so bad. Neck hurts a little from all the nodding, but you got to watch Gary Neville analyse politics and sound more competent than most MPs, and that doesn’t happen every day.
You’re in the exhibition centre, stands everywhere. There’s the Children’s Society, oh and the Youth Zone right at the back. Who put the End the Occupation of Guantanamo Bay stand next to the Labour Friends of the Armed Forces one? You chuckle.
Hold on a minute that’s… Politics Live. Is it actually LIVE right now? Go and investigate. OMG this is a dream come true. “Ben, you’re on next yeah?” “My name’s not Ben, I’m afraid.” “Oh thanks for telling us, we’ve made that mistake before at the BBC!”.That was your big chance, you plonker! Why did you have to be so honest? Now you’ll just have to walk behind the camera so your partner’s mum can see you on TV. It’ll have to do.
People do seem to be really buzzing
Walking towards the conference hall now, picking up a very odd conversation just ahead of you. Get a little closer. “Hi, Emily. Huge, huge fan, of course. I’ve got a stand over here on assisted dying that I’d love you to look at. We’ve got Swiss chocolates, actually.” “Swiss chocolates? Bit tacky,” Ms Thornberry replies. You think you might agree with her.
People are starting to ask YOU questions now. “It’s a great conference, isn’t it? Best one in years!” Nod sagely. They don’t have to know you have no idea. People do seem to be really buzzing, though.
It’s Wednesday now. Everyone else has gone home or is dying from a hangover. You did your hangover on Day 2, so you’re ready for this. It’s all been leading up to this moment. Bridget Phillipson is about to take to the stage.
‘Why we can’t have skills AND knowledge? A strong curriculum AND extra curriculars?’ And there it is, early doors: a commitment to taxing private schools. The hall erupts. Another big cheer for modern career advice and work experience. So far, so good. Very passionate. The people around you are loving it. Breakfast clubs – the first really big commitment that was trailed. Reforming the apprenticeship levy – the second. You look down at a message that’s come in on your phone. You look back up. She’s stopped. Is that it? Short and sweet, you suppose. Leaving us wanting more.
Five hours later, you slump on your sofa. Beat, but optimistic. Not just because you didn’t make a complete hash of anything (not that you’re aware, anyway), but because this Labour conference really did give you some hope and leave you wanting to hear more from a truly impressive shadow Labour team.
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