News

Gavin Williamson’s Week in Westminster*



*The education secretary on his tumultuous week, as told by Schools Week.

 

Monday

It’s the first full week back at school for most pupils and I couldn’t be more excited to see the children filing into those classrooms which, I must add, are absolutely safe and swimming in record amounts of cash.

We have been clear in the numerous guidance updates for school leaders over the summer about our Covid measures. Not sure why the education sector keeps kicking off. All makes sense to me…no more bubbles unless they want to have bubbles, but if they have bubbles and we don’t think they should have bubbles, I’ll set the Gibbmeister and his rottweiler RSCs on them.

We’ve been extremely clear as well about when schools might, or might not, want to ramp up their mitigation measures. We feel that by leaving it up to heads, maybe the unions will bleat at them and not me about “ventilation”, whatever that is.

Why the fuss? Just open a window.  (Although if schools’ heating bills spiral, then I’ll have to look at getting Agnew’s cost-cutters sent out.)

We are distributing CO2 monitors to all schools, except it turns out I sent the order form to the wrong Sunak, which is why only 41 London schools will get them by Friday, bad Gav. Surely they can just use their noses?

In other news, I feel sooooooooo good about the return of schools that I have barely had time to think about these reshuffle rumours.

Colleagues are being supportive. Kemi (pretty certain it was Kemi) stopped by the other day to offer me her unwavering backing and to ask whether I’d consider moving my desk to the other side of the office.

 

Tuesday

I am feeling on top of the world. I’ve given a blockbuster interview to the Evening Standard, which should knock the rumours about my demotion off the news agenda. Operation Save Gav is a go!

I do hope they headline the piece on my killer line about having the hide of a rhino, and not my slip of the tongue about our unflattering Queen.

That reminds me, need to get a better picture of Lizzie for the office.

I wonder whether Matt “cock-in-his-hands” Hancock left his artwork behind when he departed the health gig. I’ll give Raj a call tomorrow and see if I can have it.

Right, need to get back to those few follow-up questions from the Standard. Can only be a good thing that they want to hear even more from me, right? Gav. Is. Back!

 

Wednesday

Oh no.

It was a *tiny* mistake, mixing up two sportspeople. And it was at the end of a very, very long interview.

Commuters should be reading dazzling headlines about my roaring comeback and thick skin. Now they just think I’m thick.

Time to delve into my little red book of dirt on Bo-Jo and remind him why I am immovable.

 

Thursday

OK, so maybe I was wrong about the interview. It turns out, such a spectacularly public show of incompetence has headed off the reshuffle. Boom! The Gavlar strikes again.

I’m also glad my colleague Helen heeded my advice on never answering questions. She was asked on LBC whether I was racist or incompetent – and said she didn’t know! Classic Gav vibes. Although not so sure it looks good on me? Need to ask the team what the optics are like on this one.

Anyway, I’ve been unavailable for any further media because I’ve been preparing for my speech to the Universities UK conference in Newcastle.

I can’t wait to make it clear that I expect a full return to in-person teaching, because learning cannot continue over video link for a second longer! Must check that the tech team has got the link for my virtual appearance ready to go.

 

 

 



Your thoughts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *